FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
What do you hear?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Beware of fowl play.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Yup
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.