Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
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Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks