[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
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Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Become ungovernable.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!