Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
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imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Breaking news:
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.