My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
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No way!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.