This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
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I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Oops
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
this is how life feels
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Blew my mind.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet