ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
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At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.