My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
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My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
☺️
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.