doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
what do you want!!!!!!!!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
A woman drives into a bar.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
584.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.