Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
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People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
In banana years, I am bread.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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G R O S S