Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
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RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.