“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Breaking news:
Worlds greatest photobomb
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
There’s never enough good news
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.