Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
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Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Lol
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!