PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
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ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
this came to me in a vision
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.