The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
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Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.