9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.