It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.