Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
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My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Realize this:
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house