Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I saw nothing
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.