Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
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Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
barbara was highly relatable
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky