[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
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A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.