If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
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I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.