I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
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Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.