Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Buck naked
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch