In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I…do not understand how electricity works.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.