standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
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JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words