at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
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Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety