Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Saw your ex at the shops
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: