If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
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There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
giddy up Office Depot
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again