Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
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The biggest mystery of our time
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
s
oc
i
a
l
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.