PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
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Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.