A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
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Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
😅🤣😂
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago