Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
You Might Also Like
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
The three genders.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
If I ignore life will it go away?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
5 ways to appear taller
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.