Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend