do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I occasionally drink every single night.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?