Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
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Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
We’ve all been there…
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.