Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
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Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.