When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh