people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
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Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM