i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
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Spring cleaning checklist…
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Look at this
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*