Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
#parenting
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”