me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
dutch is not a serious language
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries