Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)