texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
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Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
synchronized noseblowing
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.