I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
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People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
This fish is cracking me up
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.