Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
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Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.