I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I am patiently waiting for your email
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
how long have you had this for?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.