Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Golf would be better with landmines.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college