Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here