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#NationalGirlfriendDay
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
This could be us… but you playing
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.